Dr. Orna Guralnik is involved first-hand in essentially the most pressing challenges couples face – each as a clinical psychologist in New York City and as a therapist in the favored documentary series couples therapy, where she supports partners in real time with communication problems, unresolved childhood trauma, and sexual separation.
She is was praised for his or her “ability to sense the undercurrents between [couples] and her acumen in guiding them to embrace new narratives about themselves and their relationships.” And because the show debuted in 2019, Guralnik has received countless emails from people around the globe asking her thoughts on the essential fundamentals of successful relationships, she says Assets.
She often says that in a world where the urge to guard oneself is becoming ever stronger, people are likely to undermine the facility of working with and learning from one’s partner. And her conclusion about what couples have to do more boils all the way down to asking a critical query more often.
“Go right into a conversation and think: What can I discover about my partner?“Guralnik, recently appointed Chief Clinical Officer of OurRituala platform for relationship therapy, tells Assets“Too much emphasis is placed on a solipsistic, egocentric approach to the world these days. We see this between couples. In my opinion, it is exactly the opposite of what we need. We need to listen better, not argue better to satisfy our own needs.”
People are sometimes busy attempting to persuade their partner of their perspective, their feelings or their interpretation of an event. And while it is vital to feel understood, Guralnik says, getting your point across is, quite frankly, “not the most important thing in the world.”
Giving up the only intention of feeling validated in any respect costs, in turn, encourages each parties to listen and understand one another higher. “If people are completely focused on convincing their partner or asking them to understand them and that’s their only focus, it’s not going to go well,” she says. “When people can put real energy into understanding their partner rather than trying to convince their partner to understand them, that’s a turning point.”
This is sensible, because successful conversations in relationships are fostered when each partners are engaged, desperate to get to know one another and considering what the opposite has to say. Researchers on the Gottman Institute, which has studied tens of 1000’s of couples over many years, say that the shortcoming to show toward your partner and be curious once they express interest or needs is a powerful predictor of divorce. “Create an environment where there is room for both partners,” says Guralnik.
With that in mind, it is vital to acknowledge that should you formulate your response before the opposite person has finished speaking, you will fall into the spiral of communicating simply to feel validated in your standpoint. The goal can as a substitute be to learn and grow together.
“If you pay attention to someone else, nothing will happen to you. You won’t disappear. You won’t be overwhelmed,” says Guralnik. “You can always come back to yourself. Surprise yourself and challenge yourself to be interested in something new.”
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