Ask any married couple what they disagree about essentially the most, and there is probably not enough space here to print the long list which may result. Some might argue about loading the dishwasher, while others might complain about leaving dirty socks on the ground. Still others feel that their spouse is not doing enough to lift the kids or is just too focused on a hobby, which is damaging the connection.
Ask a licensed marriage and family therapist about these arguments. They will quickly tell you which of them ones is likely to be cause for concern.
“It is normal for there to be disagreements in any relationship, and it is important to consider the behavioral patterns that can impact a relationship over time,” says Anna Nguyen, MA, LMFT, program manager of behavioral health and first care integration for windfall in Orange County, California. “When disagreements arise, it’s important to examine the behavioral patterns and how frequently those patterns occur.”
While there is no such thing as a surefire solution to divorce-proof your marriage, therapists advise being aware of certain disagreements that would spell trouble.
1. Money conflict
It’s rare that a spouse comes home and has bought a brand new automobile that was never discussed, but there are a lot of who may spend slightly an excessive amount of or not save as agreed.
“Money conversations often lead to a lot of tension,” says Andie Hollowell, LMFT, Chief Growth Officer at Light behavioral health. “Couples often clash over finances because money means more than just dollars and cents. It can symbolize security, power, and even love. One partner may be a saver, hoarding every dollar like acorns for a long winter, while the other spends as if it’s out of style. These differences can create a battle of the wallets that’s difficult to resolve alone.”
Accordingly Fidelity’s “Couples and Money 2024” studyAbout 25% of respondents resent being disregarded of monetary decisions, greater than half disagree about how much money they need for retirement, and 45% of partners say they argue about money at the least occasionally.
“The disagreements that arise in couple relationships are usually related to one of two things: perceived neglect or perceived loss of control,” says Katherine M. HertleinPhD, licensed marriage and family therapist and professor at Wright State University. “Often couples argue about the same thing, but the meaning may be different. For example, in a relationship, one partner may feel that the money problems are due to perceived neglect, and the other partner may feel that the money problems are due to perceived loss of control.”
2. Problems with education
Many couples discuss whether and after they want to start out a family while in a relationship. But few discuss what it is going to be like after they actually start raising children.
“In marriages, parenting styles sometimes don’t mesh,” says Hollowell. “One partner takes on the role of ‘fun parent,’ while the other enforces the rules as ‘strict parent.’ Couples may disagree on parenting issues such as discipline, education, or even screen time. These conflicts arise because parenting appeals to our core beliefs and values, which are heavily influenced by our own upbringing. Without guidance, these disagreements can escalate and lead to behavioral patterns that not only exhaust parents, but confuse children as well.”
Nguyen says this falls into the category of “values and beliefs.”
“When two people have different views on important issues, it can lead to conflict that feels like a ‘win-lose’ situation,” she says. “For example, ‘I imagine our kids must be raised this manner, and I disagree together with your way of raising them,’ which on a deeper level translates to ‘I’m right and also you’re mistaken.’
3. Verbal attacks
Leaving a load of laundry unfolded. Forgetting to get the mail from the mailbox on the best way home from work. Using the treadmill as a garments hanger.
Even essentially the most well-adjusted spouse can freak out over such habits. If that is you, and also you’re incorporating insults into your argument for change, Nguyen says that is a cause for concern.
“Disagreements that are designed to attack a person’s self-esteem and/or values are considered warning signs,” she says. “This can arise from an underlying frustration that builds up over time and is not communicated. For example, an unhealthy response that attacks a person’s self-esteem might look like this: ‘You always leave your clothes on the floor. You are so sloppy and inconsiderate! You are just a terrible person!’ A healthy, behavioral response, on the other hand, might look like this: ‘I noticed that your clothes are on the floor. I would like to ask you to pick up your clothes every night and put them in the hamper.’ The difference is that behavior patterns can be changed, and when someone is attacked for who they are, the pain can resonate on a deeper level.”
Proper communication is vital
In many marriages, domestic conflicts might be resolved with compassion and agreement. In others, the answer is slightly more complex and will require the assistance of an experienced couples therapist.
“One piece of advice I give couples is that they need to be clear about what they want to communicate when they take a particular position on an issue,” says Hertlein. “Once couples can recognize that their positions on a particular issue are all shaped by the same issue, that is, they perceive either neglect or loss of control, they can get into arguments a little sooner.”
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